[Originally uploaded to YouTube on August 4, 2023]

(Sensory Warning; Content warning for discussion of ableism and trauma)

Official Music Video For "Traction Burns Under the Shell (Pt. 1)", off of my album "Winter in the Mountains; Summer In the Valley"

Autism has played a significant role in my life. Oftentimes there are certainly benefits to being autistic, but a sizeable portion of my experiences with it are infuriating, not because of the disorder itself, but because of the way society as a whole reacts to it. It's difficult to stay above water when people call you lazy because of your executive dysfunction, judge you for your hyperfixations/interests your entire life, flat out ignore your misphonia, and accuse you of being egotistical because of the natural way you relate to people's experiences, even and oftentimes especially if they aren't aware of the harm they are causing. I've been told that autistic people are just as capable as everyone else and aren't disabled and that I shouldn't have a kid because of my sensory issues. A lack of education on what autism even looks like led me to knowing of my autism from a young age but not understanding until much later how it affects me. I was diagnosed and yet I didn't understand why I just couldn't figure things out.

This first part serves as an introduction to the more melancholic aspects of my experiences as well as the bridge between the first and second halves of the album, with the second half being considerably more aggressive.

Lyrics:

Let's hope the eggshells will hold my weight Knowing that the slightest fuckup will cause me to fray I can't trust that I'll respond the right way By the time I find a map, it'll be too late

I suspect, I suspect, I suspect that I've caused their stress by being here I'm starting to realize why nothing is ever clear

I've suppressed, I've suppressed, I've suppressed symptoms so much that I feel fear I can't recognize myself in the mirror

I spent my whole life being written off and then told that I have to change I'm tired of solving riddles about what you consider strange

I didn't mean to hurt you but I can't explain You keep pointing at all my problems and telling me what I need to contain

I forget, I forget, I forget that my shell does nothing against pain Don't fucking tell me that I'm okay

Is this what you wanted? Millions are made to live in shame All because you don't know where to project your deep-seated blame

I know I did something wrong but you'll assume I know no better anyway I know I did something wrong but you'll assume I know no better anyway

and I'm upset, I'm upset, I'm upset, I'm upset I'm upset, I'm upset, I'm upset, I'm upset I'm upset, I'm upset, I'm upset, I'm upset I'm upset, I'm upset

I'm not making it about myself I'm just existing I'm not making it about myself I'm just existing

Find the album here.